Part 24, Eu De Toilet

While taping an episode of my good friends Podcast, which can be heard on Cascadia.fm, "In Bed with Matt and Phil." I was waiting in the good room between taping and went to use the restroom. When I got there I was horrified by what I saw. I mean I thought that you always did a complementary flush after you were done doing your business to make sure that everything went down. BUT no, sitting in the toilet bowl was a bunch of used toilet paper.

This led me to think about the fact that guys should ALWAYS put the toilet seat down after using it. I mean it is what the gentleman would do for the ladies. Secondly, you never know if you are going to wake up and need to go. 

Back to the ladies part, the nice thing to do for the ladies, since they need to sit down when they use the toilet. Unless you want to get set to the couch at 3am, put the seat back down.

Lastly, this incident reminded me that the gentlemen will also, ALWAYS put a fresh roll of toilet paper on the roll when they use the end of it. Tissues are for the nose, not the bum.

Part 007 * 3 + 2

   When I was in high school some friends and I came up with a code, so that when each other houses, we could talk about sex and not let the parents know what was going on. Our good friend Mr. T really liked to talk about sex. Anyways, there is a point. When you get to the age of like 18, it is time to stop talking and using codes to talk about girls and other things. You can still joke about them, but you really can't use them. The other day I was at work, and I started remembering all the stupid things that my friends and I did. Mostly, Mr. T and I. 
   Mr. T, has a pod cast called "In bed with Matt and Phil", I don't listen to this podcast every week, I have been a guest twice. You should not listen if you don't like profanity. I would give this podcast an "R" rating for the topics of conversations. 
   Back to codes, the code system we used in High school was all about the library, everything about books meant something else. From "Going to the library", reading a short story, reading a book, reading a book with a dust jacket. This was a great code, as it was unbreakable, since it was just that good. 
   Seriously, codes are great when you are like 14, but when you are a senior in high school they are lame. Don't be lame and don't use codes. Be blunt and straight to the point.
   If you want to pass secret notes back and forth to a girl or boy to have a little fun, DON'T do this as a flirting method. ALSO the whole note that states  "Do you like me circle yes or no" Not a good idea after 8th grade.

Post 22 the real 22

I enjoy watching a show that is on Comedy Central, that often makes fun of the same things that I make fun of. Such as peeing in swimming pools at swim parks, and having to vote between two really bad choices. One of the episode, they school has a assembly about harassment. Specifically it involved Sexual Harassment Panda.

When you ask someone to do something and they say no, it is okay to ask again, but if you continually ask the same person to do things together and they continually say no. You are legally required to stop. Otherwise the Panda will have to come talk to you after you lose your job and get fired.

Two things to take away from this, first, don't be a dork and if there is a girl you like, and you ask her out a bunch and she is always busy or doing other things, take a hint. Secondly, be nice.

Part 21 Timing Belts

For those of you who have cars, most cars have a timing belt, a peice of rubber that goes around the crankshaft to the driveshaft, or something like that. Point is that if the timing of this belt is off even a little bit, the car wont run well, or run at all.

In dating, timing is just as important. If you try something to soon you may never get the oppertunity to do that again. For example, if you ask someone out,. before they are ready, they may be inclined to say no, thus making futher interactions between the two of you akword. Similairly, if you go in to early for a kiss, some result. TIMING is everything.

At work I was reading a passage froma book about oppertunity, it talks about if it passes you by, you can never catch it, and if you reach to early you will grasp the air and miss it completely.

I honestly feel the same about dating. When you find someone you might think about goign on a date with someone, you have to make sure the timing is right. Cause you only get one chance. If you jumo the gun, as I stated earlier, it may become akward when you and the other person are near each other.

So, how do you know when the timing is right? You can't. Deal with it and just jump into the deep end.

Episode XX Beer

I have recently acquired the taste for beer, not all beer, but that isn't the point. What is the point is that those beer commercials for the most interesting man in the world, he doesn't seem that interesting. I mean, he is old, and doesn't even always drink the beer he is advertising.

The gentlemen will always attempt to buy a drink for the lady he is with. Whether that be a soda, or a beer, or glass of wine. Whatever the drink is the gentlemen shoudl always buy the first glass/pint. If the lady likes to drink more then one glass in a setting, there may be a problem and find out if she is an alcoholic. Also, you should never drink more then one beer per meal, as it may lead to a lady thinking you are a lush, and a drunk. 2 things you shoudl never want to be.

However, if you at chilling at your house with a lady and a group of friends it is okay to drink more then one bottle/glass, as generally when you open a bottle of wine, it taste best when fresh. I think. I am not a huge fan of wine.

Secondly, where is a good place to hike, as I feel like going on a hike, and am thinking about asking a lody friend of mine to join me? Where are good fun places to hike?

Epic 18 KISS

Keep It Simple, Stupid!

If you are every anywhere with a girl, make sure that you are showing her the proper respect she deserves, as a lady, by paying attention to everything she says.

Chapter 17 Cell phone etiquette

I was asked to give the gentleman stance on this new thing called “sexting.” First let me say this, who ever came up with this term is dumb. I have a program at work that allows Twexting- it sends a text and a twitter update at the same time, and that is a much better name for this fad.

It is very sad that this is a fad, because it often hurts people. I recently did a project for my last college class, which I got an A in, which was about teen suicide. While researching the article, I came across two different stories about girls, a 13 and 18 year old, that committed suicide because pictures they had taken of themselves naked, had been sent to boys, and then those boys sent them to other people. Therefore, with that said all that “sexting” leads to is death.

As for the gentlemen, first, he should not be dating a woman that would do such a thing; her body should be a temple, which is reserved for her spouse. Same things go for the husband. If a lady really really wants to get the attention of a guy, she should talk to him. That is generally the best way to get a guy to notice you, well a respectful gentlemen that will treat a lady the way she should be treated.

If you, the gentleman reader, were to get such a test, I would advise you to get rid of the picture as quickly as possible, so that one, your wife/girlfriend/fiance does not see it and think you are cheating. Second, ask the sending party to refrain form sending you such pictures. All that will come of that is an addiction to bad things, which can and will lead to more serious offenses against your lady friends later.

Part 14.2 The Flying Dutchmen

  Due to many comments I received, I have come to the conclusion that the guy should pay for as many dates as he girl lets him pay for. Hopefully, you are dating a nice respectful girl that will not take advantage of this and order 30 steaks every date. 

   Guys, also you should expect to watch at least one "chick-flick" with your lady friend. I recommend Ever After, The Princess Bride, New in Town, or Fever Pitch. Hitch is also good. These are films that you will enjoy, as well as the lady you watch them with.  

   I know these things due to a training I endued growing up with an older sister. Trust me, sometimes; the girls do not want to watch Gladiator or Braveheart every Friday night. Throw a curveball and suggest a fun romantic comedy.

Underpants

   I was out with some friends the other night, watching some Fox news, for the weather report. The weather girl is rather good looking, and does a fairly good job with the weather predictions. We also watched some Lady Gaga music videos. Those are some unique videos, kudos for being original.

   One of the things that was brought up was about clothing. Yes, three guys talked about clothing. It may have had something to do with the latest dress mishap, I do not really know, but it got me thinking about all the scantily clad women out there, and the example they set. I mean really, when did it become okay to go underpants less every day? A great example is in the preview for the movie “She’s out of my League” there is a scene where they come to a pool, and talk about swimming, and one of the guys says underwear is okay, and the girl replies, it would be okay if I were wearing any.” Now, I just do not understand why that would be comfortable. I guest hosted a blog, “In Bed with Matt and Phil”, which can be found on ITunes, where I took a series of questions and this was one that I had to answer. Really, I think that people should wear comfortable clothes, but remember that there are people out in the world, that will see girls wearing not much, and then become the victim of a very bad crime.

   So please, for the sake of the gentlemen out in the world, help us by not being an easy target for mean people. Being charged with assault is not something that a gentleman wants to deal with.

"Accidental Hand Holding"

Episode 15


I heard a joke that today was astronaut day due to the date, 3/2/10, it made me laugh for about 5 seconds, which is at most the longest accidental hand touching should ever go. I mean anything more than that and there is a purpose behind it. Hand holding brings me to a point I briefly discussed in an early post.

“Holding hands leads to hugging, hugging leads to kissing, kissing leads to making out, and making out leads to babies.” That is a quote that generally describes the order in which the physicality of a relationship go. There are a few people that like to skip a step or 5, but that is between them and themselves.

A gentleman would not proceed past the second stage until around the 5th-10th date, when the couple is dating exclusively, and the hugging is mostly done to say goodnight, at a respectable hour of the night, and on the ladies porch/doorstep. The progression to the 3rd step happens, oh after a couple of months of dating, again the couple is dating exclusively and knows their partner very well. I mean they didn’t just meet and fall madly in love and skip the first three steps. The fourth step I believe is done after a promise of marriage is done or as they call is now and engagement. The last step is always to be done after marriage, as it leads to babies, and those are not something that should be made haphazardly, nor without be able to properly take care of an infant.

If you follow that plan, two things will happen. First, you will be rewarded as a gentleman, with a very loving wife/husband, and second, you won’t have babies that you can’t afford.

Remember this quote as you embark on a dating relationship. “The more you do with your boy/girlfriend means the less you get to experience with your husband/wife.”

Part 14 The Flying Dutchmen

Going dutch, the dating practice where the bill is split 50/50 or each person pays for their own meal. In principle a great idea, but when it is time for the guy to pay for the full meal/date cost?

I thing that as a gentlemen, the first 3 dates should be dutched up. After the third date, it would seem to me that most couples would be exclusively dating by that time. If that is the case then on the fourth date the guy should be buying the dinner, movie tickets, the pieces of a meal that make up a picnic.  By the way, picnics are generally very romantic, because of the ability to be alone with your boyfriend/girlfriend. I would avoid picnics for at least the first four dates, after that they are fair game. I would recommend if you live near the Gorge, in the state of Oregon, many of the waterfalls in the area would be a great place for a picnic.

Back to the dutchness, sometimes the girl will still want to pay for a part of the date, I recommend that to prevent this, take the bill and pay it quickly, if you aren’t fast enough to grab the bill, in a sneaky way as possible, take her card/money out of the billfold and replace it yours your own. Preferably not one that you stole.

If you following these simple dutch tips, you should have a good start towards a gentlemen approved dates.

Doors

Part 13

When I wrote about how gents are supposed to open doors for ladies, I got a large number of questions asking about certain types of doors. I am going to copy the email, and then explain each type of door:

Ø  Revolving doors - Take your shirt off and carry the lady through the revolving door like a fireman.

Ø  Wine cellar doors - Take your shirt off and break in the cellar door with a fireman's ax.

Ø  Manhole covers - Take your shirt off and bash in the manhole cover like a yogurt lid, high five Donatello and Michelangelo, and carry the lady down into the sewer like a fireman.

Ø  Automatic Door - After you trigger the automatic door, stand in the doorway keeping it open letting all the cold air into the store. Don't forget to take your shirt off.

Ø  Castle Door - Use your body as a battering ram.

Ø  Cockpit Door - Freely violate FSA regulations and let anyone wearing a skirt into the cockpit.

Ø  Car Door - You just need to be fast here and get to the any card door before the lady does. Also, you need to be shirtless.

Ø  Horse carriage door - You'll probably need your sword here.

Ø  Christian Dior - Again, take your shirt off. The "dior" will immediately surrender to you.

Now none of the ideas after each type of door is the correct gentlemanly way to open the door. UNLESS you have the ripped abs of a fireman.

Ø  Revolving doors- allow the lady you are with to get in first and then gentle push the door around, letting her out first, and making sure that you don’t run her over with the door.

Ø  Wine cellar doors- a lady should never be asked to get more wine for two reasons. 1^st, it is cold and damp. 2^nd that is where the spiders made their nest and will bite you to protect it. Therefore, when you, the man, go down to get more wine bring a nail gun, with a full tank of compresses air.

Ø  Manhole covers-Unless you are a Ninja turtle, or a utility worker, never open a manhole cover.

Ø  Automatic doors- again allow the lady first entry and follow behind her, not super close that could be freaky and weird.

Ø  Castle door- if you have a castle door that you are a lady are walking into, two things will happen. 1^st someone will open the door for both of you. If that happens let the lady go first. If someone lowers a drawbridge, try very hard not to soil your pants, and let the lady go first, however, stay close as you may have to fend off an invading knight wishing to steal thy lady.

Ø  Cockpit door- unless you want to get tassed by the Air Marshall, keep that door closed.

Ø  Horse Carriage- again there will be someone to open that door for you

The Return of Chivalry

The Return of Chivalry

   I recently heard a story, about a girl, whom was with a group of people and had a guy open the door for her. She was quite shocked and did not know what to do. I say props to you sir, who opened the door for the ladies. Way to be awesome! Upon hearing this I came to the conclusion that I may in fact, not be the last remaining gentleman on earth.
   This brings me to my point, it is very sad, that women find it odd when guys open doors for them. This along taking your hat off when you enter a building, or tipping your hat if outdoors. I never understood the last one, but that is okay. I have always had the belief that if you want to get noticed, open doors for people. It not only makes you look good, but you may meet your spouse. When I was in college, I held the door open for some people, I had no idea who they were, the next day one of them, a nice looking female came up and said, “You held to door open for me the other day and I wanted to meet you.” We started hanging out and dated for a few months before I became a jerk and retired from dating because of my behavior to this girl.
   My point is this, even if you have no idea that you are being noticed when you hold a door open for a lady, you are noticed. Even at school, in High school I had the idea that when I was going o run for Student Body President, that I would go to different doors, and open them all morning for those coming to school, to get notice and to say hi. It would have worked had it not been for stupid rules about needed t years of leadership class to run for ASB president.

How fast is too fast.

   I was watching a movie once and I heard this line, “If you’re not first your last.” Thinking about that quote, I thought does that apply to dating and relationships as well. How fast are people supposed to move in relationships? I have heard and seen, a couple get married after knowing each other for 6 months. I have also seen high school sweet hearts get married after college. On the other hand, I have seen people never get married, and I have seen people who have been together, whether married or not, just stop being together. I have seen many different types of relationships.

   This post is more of a discussion starter then my thoughts. Being that I haven’t dating for going on 7 years now, I am out of the loop as far as how fast things are supposed to move physically in a relationship. The last time I was in a relationship, it took me about 3 months before I kissed my girlfriend and about 3 weeks to start holding her hand. Is that a normal time frame?

   Mr. T, my good friend, dated a girl in high school, for about 6 months I think. This was back in 2001, last decade, they then went to France and “did it” had sex. At the time I didn’t understand why he did this, as he had no job, she didn’t either, and his mom was downstairs in the house. I never have, and still don’t understand why people, who have no means of supporting themselves, let alone a family, chose to make decisions that could lead them down a road of dark bitterness and hate.

   So, if you have any thoughts on the matter of how fast relationships are supposed to go, please post them as comments or on the Facebook page for this site. Search for “The Journey” and click on the one with a picture.